Friday, May 1, 2009

Cherry Twist

Formerly titled: Twisted-- "No more Twist!"

"Everything was finished except just one single cherry-coloured buttonhole, and where that buttonhole was wanting there was pinned a scrap of paper with these words--in little teeny weeny writing--

I Love the Tailor of Gloucester. (by Beatrix Potter)

So much in there; it's chock full. Usually, I get so swept away by the illustrations, and sense of wonder, but recently came across it here: without illustrations and the words and messages spoke to me all the more.

I post it, however, because I'm working with "No More Twist!" in the sense that I want to make lemonade out of my lemons. I want to embrace the blessing and possibilities of the Cherry Twist and have the original essence of my more difficult twist fall away. Turn something dreaded into something somehow decidedly divine. And I have always loved the synaesthetic aspects of the "Cherry Twist". Delicious to me, even since childhood; I can smell and taste it. I suspect I am a minor synaesthete.

The strains and sadnesses that have recently been twisting me up inside have not gone away.

(One example, pertains to my Dad, and the VERY TWISTED way in which his children are blocked from seeing him or even speaking to him by phone on any sort of reasonable or regular basis, while he is in his final days here with us. The way therefore he is made out to be the one doing the blocking, by reason of his health, frailty or even desire, when in fact he is confused, and bored and frequently questions why we don't visit more often. Can you say "court imposed necessary & required medication for the prevention of the isolation of a dear sweet old man, ordered given to an OCD riddled, frantic, fried, resentful, embittered, germaphobe care giver stepmother constantly on the verge of a nervous breakdown"? I'm sure it SOUNDS like I am exaggerating; I'm not. Though, I do UNDERSTAND. I just don't agree that the way to keep him alive is to keep everyone away. Nor do I believe that he is too tired or overwhelmed to talk on the phone for 2-5 minutes; I do believe that she believes she can't handle it in her current state. And by "it" I mean stopping her routine to monitor the phone call which she invariably does, or to think about us, or about how she is keeping us away. How can she possibly respect us after we let her get away with this so much? Yet, any ripple we cause in her emotional state will leave my Dad suffering even more. It is like a hostage crisis but with seemingly more limited negotiations.)

However, I have found rest at times from these cares over which I have no real control... And instead of just hiding out in my own isolation, I have begun to peek out and have found other more healing and happy escapes.

My amazing spring break was one. I shall write about that soon.

Intertwined as an aspect of that time away, and also standing apart, has been the Twilight series. What a gift that it should come along for me at this time when I need something irresistible to pull me from the constant reality I face these days. Needing to be irresistible, because it is admittedly hard for me to justify avoidance of worrying over these unresolved, heart wrenching things, hard to avoid the (self imposed-- no-one said it was rational) guilt, I think. I don't drink much. I don't carouse much. I am not a shopaholic. So I'm grateful, even if a little guilty to sometimes make my getaway-- to temporarily dwell in such places.

I know there is purpose in life, in my life, even in the seemingly trivial things, like which flower blooms on which day, which book I may stumble across to read and when, when the clouds break and the beams of light shine down, however briefly, just before the return to the darkness of cloud cover, or of a building, or of the burden of my own grief.

My burden thusly greatly eased, just as for the Tailor. So many button holes taken care of completely; only the one left for me to sew...

I only need to find just the tiniest bit more...

Cherry Twist!



  1. My dear Circe -

    How sorry I am about the situation you are in - words aren‘t enough. If it might help, I can identify with this, in a few ways, here - and my heart goes out to you and yours that are also involved. I know the torment and agony of separation, the resulting intense need for connection, and the feelings of guilt, loss of control, grief, etc. that are sometimes just a jumbled mass of intense pangs inside. No one deserves to feel these things or be forced into them by anyone. My heart goes out to you and yours, truly.

    I know how these things can be and I know the fear of not being believed. I also know the safety of isolation.

    Isn’t is a blessing that we do have those seemingly “little” things that mean so much, though: flowers, a book, etc.? Honestly, some days, that’s all I have. It’s so good we can find joy, hope, and meaning in such ways. They are real symbols, I think.

    I can’t wait to read about your spring break when you get the chance to post!

    You, your father, and your family will be in my thoughts - and I’m sending love.


  2. Thank you, Amanda, so much.

    For your understanding words and thoughts.

    I guess I come across more "heavy" than I mean to-- though that's not to say that your perception is inaccurate.

    I really am trying to embrace all the meaning, and all the joy. To see my glass as half full at times where twould be so very easy to say "half empty"!

    I know that I am truly blessed and I am grateful for that always. Am trying merely to be the right type of "still" so I can see all those daily miracles that might elude me otherwise...

    You're a part of that, you know!

    Hugs to you, too.


  3. Circe - I’m sorry if my response made you feel you were being “heavy” - you aren’t, at all. In fact, I think you are doing wonderfully!

    And I am grateful to be a part of the better things - as you are, too. :-)

    Lots of light,

  4. No worries! My family history reads like a soap opera, or so I'm told! ;) It's bound to have an effect. And you have nothing to be sorry for!

    It's true; these things that I'm experiencing are echoes of things past, as well as those current. And even though I am not mired in sorrow all the time, having my life be at one of those points again, and it's reminders tends to have my "CPU" running slowing-- like too many things running in my mental emotional spiritual background. It is what it is. I'm here (on this blog) I think to both have FUN and to express some of this stuff... So I probably will continue to be a little "heavy" from time to time... Thanks for being here, for both!

    :) Happy Thoughts!



Creative Commons License
This work by is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.