Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Twilight Zone

Twilight Tuesdays

* spoiler alert * spoiler alert *

I know... every woman or girl that reads Twilight reserves the right to be "Bella". (And Edward is the reason you would wish to.) This post is not trying to say that this is any more or less true for myself than anyone else. However, some weird things have occurred to me. As briefly as I can, I'll outline what are to me, at least, some bizarre coincidences between my teen self and Bella. Some are pretty understandable, some strangely specific. Most bizarre, debatably, is the fact that not a single one of these things occurred to me while I was actually reading the books! A testament to the universal appeal and the ability of the books to stand on their own? Or plain old denial/repression? You decide...

Child of Divorce-- I am. Easy enough.

Junior Year Move-- In my Junior year, I moved from living with my Mother in the East, to the West were my Father had lived most of my life, and where I'd summered/visited him. The move was my choice and was initiated by me.

Climate change-- I actually went from Wet to Dry instead of Dry to Wet. Green Primordial Kudzu and Honeysuckle draped forests and fields, streams and rivers, to Hot Dry Sunny Coastal California. (can't complain there!)Although, it now occurs to me, that for my first 30 or 40 days of school there, it rained. Poured, usually. All day. Every day. We all needed to take off our shoes during class-time so our feet would have a chance of somewhat drying off before we set off for the next class. (outdoor paved hallways with overhangs between and long the school buildings.)

Attention shift-- I received a HUGE amount of positive attention in my new school, as compared with my old school.

Girlfriends-- the first person to befriend me in my new school was named Jessica. Really. And though not as snarky (as far as I know; maybe Edward would know differently) she definitely didn't like my attention shift when I started seeing my -- what do I call him here? boyfriend? guy? first love? all descriptions seem inept and inappropriate given my feelings at the time. Our friendship didn't survive my romance, and after tracking her down years later, remembering her as dear to me and wanting to possibly rekindle our friendship if possible, I was left with nothing but the nagging feeling that she had either "dated" him after I moved away, or had wanted to!

HE--At school, I found myself Watching him from a distance, nothing unusual there. But then there were all the ways he was watching me too, how he would orchestrate things in order to pass by me in a crowd, how he found out my schedule and the seating chart and would leave hidden messages for me at my seat. He would literally drop out of the sky a foot from me when I would be quietly quizzing people about him, from the overhangs that covered our outdoor hallways. We had not yet spoken, save for him saying, nearly breathing "hello" into my ear as we passed, squeezed by each other in a crowd, also orchestrated by him. (my heart is beating just remembering it!)

His name has Edward in it.

Charlie-- the name Charlie figures prominently in my story, too.

Watching me sleep-- Once we were together, in the night, he would run several miles from his house to mine, and through my window, watch me sleep, sometimes suspending a letter or a single fragrant rose stolen from a neighbor's garden, by a thread from the eaves outside my window for me to find when I awoke.

WE-- had a meadow, and hills, and rain, and wildflowers and sun. I would hug my knees, watching him, while he would lie, smiling in the grass, seemingly comfortable anywhere.

He--Old fashioned, yet very hip.

He-- tall, handsome, graceful, well dressed.

He-- would eat things on a dare.(Bugs usually. Pizza he liked!)

He--Music snob, eclectic taste.

I-- my love for him was like a physical entity, and became like the air to me. I don't know how my heart contained it all.

I-- was intimidated by his greatness, his intellect, his accomplishments. Didn't know why he was with me. But I think, unlike Bella, I was able to believe that he truly loved me. He convinced me of it on an hourly basis. Perhaps that was unwise.

He-- was very fiercely protective of me, put me on a pedestal.

We-- worried our parents. "Too intense, too intertwined..."

All encompassing... for two years... Enough passion to sustain three truly passionate relationships... though He, like Edward, was the conscience, the one saying "no".
We-- talked of getting married-- He explored ways around the age of consent for marriage in California... discussed eloping...

He left-- Like Bella, I was destroyed. Like Bella, I had (have) a bit of a temper, and also was in many ways fiercely independent. He strove to have me lean on him solely, which I resisted for over a year. When I began to trust that I could trust fully, it was too much for him. He left. He did come back, but obviously, unlike Edward, his return didn't last. I was destroyed. Only the death of my Mother (5 months later) can compare with the utter devastation and grief. In many ways, it was more painful. Catatonic? Yes, and more. I can still find tears, even decades later, if I think about it.

Angela Weber-- my Angela Weber came along after he was gone (though not her name). Sweet, lovely, gentle, softspoken, intuitive, caring. I can't say she was there to pick up the pieces; there were none, just smithereens and dust. A balm to my spirit were the times spent with her. She is still hugely dear to me today. (Although, as I've said, she deserves to reserve the right to be Bella in her own story, too! As do we all. Like Bella, she had special qualities in her which have become truly powerful wonderful attributes.) She did marry her love after high school (though not right after) and moved to Arizona, of all places, where she lives him and her children to this day.

Motorcycles banned, ban ignored- I was forbidden from riding motorcycles, though, after we were no longer seeing each other, which meant he was no longer picking me up for school in the morning in his classic sports car, which he built with his dad, a warm kind guy friend would often stop and pick me up as I walked, late, to school and give me a ride the rest of the way on his motorcycle.

said he would have asked me to prom if he had known that my former "he" were no longer in the picture. Really, his name was Mike.

MISSED PROM --and really do feel like I missed out. Edward was right about that.

Weird? Or not at all?

Maybe I'm being silly; maybe we all have these types of universal coincidences...

(And you may wonder, after having read this: Do I in any way want him back? No. Not at all. Now, if Edward were to somehow come into my life, that would be difficult...)

Stephenie, are you really that good... ?



  1. Circe, this is so neat - the connections. Though I haven’t read the books, I “get” it.

    Don’t you just LOVE things like this? And isn’t it even more strange how we can connect to a fictional character so deeply, sometimes? There are always universal truths, but the complexities/twists and turns embedded within those truths are where we find distinct aspects of ourselves.

    Also - I had a moment to check out Noreen’s blog. It is definitely a place I will be visiting, again, as I find time to explore. Very interesting and has piqued my interest. Thank you for the link!

    Many hugs,

  2. Hi, Amanda. Thanks for commenting. I know you haven't read the books. The strange thing is, I don't feel a significant connection with Bella as a character. (I think the draw with her character is the benefit of Edward, honestly) And yet, the storyline is to me at least in some aspects so freakishly in line with my own in parts. It reminds me, now that I think about it, of that film Stranger than Fiction with Will Ferrell and Emma Thompson. (If you haven't seen it, do. It's quite a touching performance by Will, who is usually a comedy fav of mine, but who holds his own quite well as a dramatic lead.)I feel unnerved in a way.

    It is neat, I guess, though I wish it left me feeling more connected, or better about the books or about my teen past... I think maybe it's dredged up some stuff for me. I in no way am wistful or wishful about my teen relationship guy. Not except to say, I wish it hadn't been so painful, wish I hadn't given myself over to him emotionally against my better instincts. It's a pattern I think I duplicated in my next relationship. I am glad that I'm stronger now. And definitely my own person. (I think most of the time my husband is too! ;)

    Hugs to you


  3. Oh, I see - the storyline. Yes, I understand. Perhaps, we find these connections at the “right” times in our lives. Maybe, they’re there for us to find when we need to find them - to help us to understand whatever we’re supposed to understand, at the time - almost like a “tutor.” Perhaps, I’m reading too much into it - but it seems to be true, at least personally.

    Perhaps, whatever it is that helps us to heal or grow - any positive movement in our lives (even if the road gets bumpy from time-to-time) - is a good thing?

    When looking back, everything (good or bad or neutral) seems to lead us to where we are, now. And where we are, now, is where we are supposed to be. This is only what I'm learning and learning to accept - but it seems to be right.

    Stranger than Fiction - I haven’t seen, but, yes Will Farrell is great, and I just adore Emma Thompson. Will have to check that one out!

    Wishing you a wonderful rest of the weekend!



  4. WOW! This is amazing! More coincidences than I'd know what to make of! Isn't life bizarre?

    I'm reading them again too (ahem) and I do find myself irritated by Bella. Her repetitive 'I'm not good enough' line wears a bit thin! I think I actually preferred Bella in the movie! I can see Jay wondering how long this is going to last!

    (Ps I too love Stranger Than Fiction!)

  5. Thank you, Amanda. I agree completely. And yet, here I am, once again so easily confused and lost, even when I believe what you say is true. Is true.

    Thanks for reinforcing what I already know, in my head, so I can let it become what (and whatever) it will in my heart.


  6. Hi Ciara! Oh, I'm so glad that someone I "know" rather than some theorhetical person with a Twilight Themed Blog is also rereading them! I don't feel quite so wacky as I did... Not that we are wacky! It's just hard for someone on the "outside" to understand. ;) My husband, too, is quietly shaking his head, but with a gentle smile and a jesting "you're obsessed!"

    I was more irritated with the self depracating Bella thing the first time 'round. This time it doesn't bother me. I mean, I'm really in it for Edward. And he too doesn't see his amazing worth and uniqueness and heart and looks!
    She's not the only one, though her lack of self confidence about herself is the further step. But she is a teen, so I cut her the slack. Also: she is quite confident enough not to wear makeup, to rebel, AND to parent her parents, not to mention to hang with quite dangerous folk! I think I personally would feel BOTH more significant due to Edward's attention, and also slightly insignifacant in the light of Edward's natural and supernatural magnificence! If she were arrogant at all, it wouldn't work. The way she is wearing thin for me is all the snarky eye rolling and "sour looks"! Who on earth would roll eyes at Edward? Who could dare give such a glorious and powerful creature a "sour look"? Ugghh! I wouldn't! I'd be strewing his path with flower petals, or antelopes or whatever he wished! ;)

    Great to see you here-- as always you're very welcome!



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