Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Squashed flatter 'n a Bug

That's me. And no reanimation in sight. And yet, here I am, dead on my feet and scurrying around anyhow, as there's no way around it.

I took an all day class today; 8.5 hours at once. It was silly, but I didn't somehow realize until a day ago or so that I needed to read the entire textbook (and learn it) before I attended. And did I have time, even when I did realize? Not even a smidge. So I started late last night. And finished a bit before 3. AM. Boy did it bring back memories of cramming. I used to be the queen of cramming, when I only had myself to worry about the next day, and didn't realize that sleep deprivation is equivalent to being intoxicated. I didn't sleep well... keep dreaming that I was in the class, and woke about every 10-20 minutes... which is fine because it let me get up before the alarm at 620, and so my hubby could slumber undisturbed.

Why is it that as a wife and mother, even when I'm doing something "for myself", I cannot completely detach from duty? It was unnecessary for me to do laundry, housework and make breakfast for sleeping family before I left for the day. I mean, what do they really care? I would be better served to actually style my hair for once, to iron my shirt instead of splashing it with water or spraying it with wrinkle releaser. And yet...

And yet there is so much to do that will not get done, though it must. Tomorrow, I hope to catch up. Somehow. And Friday is an eighth birthday for my sweet little one, and a day spent with some friends, evening with family, (don't forget the not yet incarnate gluten free birthday cake)and somehow we should be ready to leave for the beach for 8 days the following morning. Not so bad. I guess. Except... except... I am the one readying everything. And everyone. Including the cat. The house. The garden. The special foods to transport for food allergic and gluten avoiding us. Why not do all this tomorrow too? Because.... because... more laundry, housework, so many emails, phone calls, contractors, repairmen, family who need help and information that pertains to their travel here in a few short weeks, and are waiting for my response, arrangements which will not be able to be done for a week, but cannot wait until we get back.

When we get back, finally, after an embarrassing number of years (hem) the bathroom will be tackled. The shower will work. The plywood backing which was NEVER code will be replaced with water appropriate board. The cracked floor will be replaced. The tub will no longer leak. The toilet will not sit in the middle of everything, but have it's own little 3/4 wall. We will have a master bathroom. Will will no longer need to run past the upstairs picture window to shower or de-shower to and from the kid's tiny bathroom. I'm sure the neighbors will either be delighted or disappointed. I hope they don't let me know. ;)

Then, with much much much much much more readying, the family will come. Every closet needs attention. Every room. Every weed. *sigh* Some will stay here with us. There will be big family gatherings, here, and in Annapolis, in Arlington. With the hope of honoring Dad.

Having a burial so long after the funeral, aside from obvious logistical and other difficulties one likely would choose not to think about, presents other challenges. It keeps things in a sort of hard real unyielding limbo state. I'm not complaining. It's just a different kind of hard. I feel Dad is around, is around me at times. I feel so lucky. I never felt that with my Mom. I always wish I had.

I really hope to post some things I've written. EVERYTHING feels incomplete; even the posts I write and have written. I have a poem of sorts, but no illustration, I have pictures (which I cannot access). It's okay, though. I also have enough. Of everything. Everything I need. And lots of stuff I probably don't! It's all good. I just hope I feel this same okayway tomorrow... when I'm hopefully no longer "intoxicated", when sleep has come and gone, and maybe, just maybe by the end of tomorrow, all my boxes will have (the correct) checkmarks in them.


Image above actually a cute bookmark:


  1. I feel so for you, my dear. Wish I had the answers for you, but I don‘t - so am sending plenty of good energy and thoughts. I suppose, in such situations, one can only do the best they can, when they can - and that’s just going to have to be good enough. Things have a way of working themselves out.

    Very happy birthday wishes sent to your little one! A nice spot of light in an otherwise overwhelming month? I hope your vacation is restful, too. Water has a wonderful healing nature about it.

    I’m sorry about the situation regarding your father’s burial. That must be so very difficult for you - it’s hard to begin to get closure until then, true. I am sure your father is and will be honored properly and with dignity - the honor we feel for our loved ones is always in our hearts (that cannot be changed or taken away by anything).

    I am looking forward to reading your poem whenever you get the chance to post it. I’ve greatly enjoyed the others you’ve posted. :-)

    Sending many, many hugs and good vibes,

  2. amen, sister.
    you just wrote what we all feel. you are not alone in your mayhem!
    our bathroom? i won't even go there.
    our whole house
    and i can't tell you the last time i took a shower or bath alone (and not in the good, intimate, sexy, with-my-husband-like-the-old-days kind of way...the toddler splashing around with lots of squirty toys kind of way lol)
    there needs to be more hours in the day.
    or we need to take some breaths and let go...

    xo have a good time with your family.
    try and get a walk on the beach...even better with a cocktail in your hand.

    love atchoo'.

  3. OOh, I know how you feel. I told my husband this morning that I felt like a piece of dough that had just been flattened in the pasta machine.

  4. Ohmygoodness Puanani!! I thought this published from my phone! (Probably a first try, though I'm so exhausted I can't think back that far!) How ironic that now I actually AM back... or what's left of me! I'm so sorry this didn't post/publish until now!


  5. I so feel your pain~ I watched a movie last evening of a mom with little ones & I think back, "how did I ever pull it all off?". Happy be-lated bday to your child, and Happy Birthday to you TODAY!! You were up so early reading blogs when you should of been laying in & having breakfast in! Thank you for visiting my blog this morning & I am so glad that the story about mature woman was inspiring, if even a bit. You have a lot on your plate & like I'm sure your told, don't forget to stop, reflect & know that this too shall pass. The bad news sometimes too fast. I do hope you have a terrific birthday, gluten-free cake included (my mum-in-law is on a gluten free diet too). All the best to you,


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