Twilight Tuesdays

"For now, Tuesdays shall be for Twilight... as long as it lasts for me, so shall it for you."





Twilight Book Club Menu






If it seems you should read into the descriptions, then well you should.





Table sporting Red and White tulips, candles.


Thematic wines: Vampire, Black Mountain, Red Truck, Old Moon, Velvet Moon...


Virgin and Juniper Bloody Marys (each with whole celery "stalk"... to BITE,)


Smoked Salmon with spice and capers


Venison Sausage


Wild Mushroom Ravioli pillows (homemade) stuffed with Black Forest Ham and Three Cheeses, "Pine" Sauteed Baby Bella Mushrooms, deglazed pan sauce of Vermouth, Shallot and Heavy cream. Shaved Black Peppercorn Romano. (Never Think should be playing in the background)


Fry Bread or Kneel Down Bread

with

Oregon Berry Jams




In a glass bowl: Frozen berries, with Ice cream Kisses.









Many specialty grocers, as well as online purveyors sell elk and venison products. Fry bread is a Native American specialty. Oregon is in the Pacific Northwest just as is Washington, though Oregon is known for it's berries and Washington it's apples. Juniper Bloody Marys are all I drink; use your favorite gin in place of vodka, in this case, Hendricks.
Wish you could have been there. Mmm was it good!

Turning Point

I am behind on nearly everything, including my reading here... I must feel confoundedly stunted by my own bummed-out-edness. That includes the way I feel when looking at my own blog! It doesn't matter that I swing wildly between laughing freely and all it's opposite alternatives.

Though I've been in the midst of my own personal grief, here we all are this week struck by the loss of so many: Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Billy Mays, and most of all Michael Jackson. While I do believe that the world has changed this week, that these losses speak to us all, that reflection is certainly in order, I am also left feeling something else. It's hard to pinpoint, but I know that life is here for us all, here for as long as we are able to embrace it. I feel a little levity is in order. I know I need it. I'm not sure how much should be prescribed to offset the heft of my heaviness. Fizzy Lifting Drinks would not be turned down. I'll sanitize the ceiling. I'm good at that. ;) Hey, gotta love that stainless steel!

Announcing the return of

TWILIGHT TUESDAYS

Be well, all.

Love. Peace. Life.

xo

LANDSLIDE

by Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac. This song has had growing significance for me lately.

The image above is of El Capitan, in Yosemite National Park. Dad, an accomplished oil painter, painted this formation in stunning majesty, where it hangs in his home.

(on player at bottom of post page, #86)

note the dedication in this live recording:

"This is for you, Daddy..."

I took my love, and I took it down

I Climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Mmm, mmm, I don't know

Mmm, mmm

Mmm, mmm

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'Cause I've

built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Children get older and I'm getting older too

So...

I've been afraid of changing 'Cause I've,

I've built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

and I'm getting older too

Oh, I'm getting older too

So, take this love, and you take it down

Oh, if you climb a mountain and you turn around

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well, the landslide'll bring it down, down

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

Well, maybe

the landslide bring me down

Well, well the landslide'll bring it down

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Hello

my friends, Hello. It's good to need you so...

(Yes, Neil Diamond...)

Well. Now here I am. I hope you all will not find me callous or anything else of that nature. I just can't write about Dad now. There is so much. If I could plug into my brain and download, you would see amazing things. But to pull them out, to write them out... not possible now. I have discussed similarly with a sister of mine, the idea of having been changed. And also, how in that change, how my energies are not necessarily ones that even my own chakra centers can recognize. Like a short circuiting of sorts, with an override of emergency systems...

Though, even now, I find a cheerful distraction in you all. So I hope to join in a bit. To be relatively cheerful (I certainly don't wish to drive you all away with an out-of-balance, akin to a big blue battered and badly weighted washing machine, heavy morose account of life here) and also to be cheered. (I am!)

Sequitur...

Hello.

Goodbye, Daddy

So many crushing things, so many amazing things. To write about. Later.

Thank you, all, for being there.

My Dad May 1921- May 2009

I love you, Dad.

HOSPICE

Hospice Care

Definition: A model of care that focuses on relieving symptoms and supporting patients with a life expectancy of six months or less. Hospice involves an interdisciplinary approach to provide medical care, pain management and emotional and spiritual support. The emphasis is on comfort, not curing. It can be provided in the patients home as well as freestanding hospice facilities, hospitals, nursing homes and other long-term care facilities.

I got the call early Sunday morning. To come. Come when we could. The end is very near. Hospice has been called, Dad goes home tomorrow. It was his wish to be at home. I only wish somehow that he knew what was happening. I don't even know if that is the right thing to wish. The one perpetually in control, directing all things (my Dad, not God) is now in the most opposite of positions. Things are changing so quickly inside him. So many struggles, risks, battles lost, losing battles. Failing systems... failing understanding.

We drove 5 hours, spent 3. Dad slept for over 2, then our visit. Through his difficult speech he expressed frustration that he hadn't been awake for the first part of our visit. He hadn't slept in over 2 days. I was glad to let him rest, to just be with him. But like him, when he woke and his bright blue eyes found me there, when his face lit like a light bulb, I did have regret. I have it now.

I did not say "goodbye". I could not; not because I couldn't bring myself to due to my own pain. I don't want to cause him pain. I don't think he is now able to understand, though I'm told it's been explained to him, what is happening to him. That his mind and body are both failing. That he has had another stroke. That the pneumonia is not clearing. That his throat function is nonfunctioning, and that the months of struggling to eat, spending 4 hours to find a way to chew and swallow a tiny meal, is a cake walk compared to now. That his stroke risk and aspiration risk and choking risk and pneumonia and heart risk coincide with the, I'm told, inevitable shutting down of his systems, with his daily increasing dementia, which in conjunction daily decreases his ability to speak, or to swallow saliva, or ice chips. That his throat is nearly closed due to collagen break down from his leukemia treatment 20 years ago.
He is the strongest person I know, in so many ways. A less strong person would not have survived the amazing life he's had, would not have survived the past year, the past week. The doctors have said that the only reason he is able to speak, to form sentences, to converse and relate to us at all is due the fact that his brain is so developed, so many neural connections strong, so very brilliant for so very very many years.


I am certainly walking a fine line at every moment, in denial most times-- I must be, and living in the moment the rest of the time. Is it a sign of maturity, or a free and clear blessing that I am able to exist this way? That I am not superimposing past losses, fears, fear of loss at this time-- am able to think somewhat clearly, and yet still not feel a desperate need to over analyze and find a way out of this, to control it? I feel blessed. I don't feel mature. I do feel old. I am suddenly very tired. I break down more and more. I find myself looking for distractions, a few minutes here, a few there.

Thank you. Thank you. For being there. A few minutes here. A few there.